Instant replies hint at either interest or an unfulfilling life and even if both might be true, dont let your ex pick up on that. 2. So they come back, tail between their legs, ready to renegotiate their bond with you. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Jaseena tells us how to put a lid on overthinking. I confirmed that I had actually found out I was pregnant with his child shortly after we broke up but I didnt abort it. What is their intention? We invested a lot of time in one another so it's nice to learn how the other is turning out. In some cases, exes break up and get back together more than once due to unhealthy relationship patterns or beliefs. TL;DR: Yes, because our break-up needed closure. Advertisement. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. (in 1997 she broke off an engagement she was 22 and I was 28). For some strange reasons, exes seem to pop up when were at our lowest, making it easy to forget about how terrible the relationship was and give in to their charms. So before you take your ex back, make sure your ex wants you for you and not just because your ex can benefit from you and rely on you emotionally. You are following it religiously cutting off all contact with your ex. In this response, you're being vulnerable and expressive of your feelings. I'd done something he considered cheating. After 4 years, my ex reached out to me asking how I have been (The end of our relationship was somewhat mutual. Instead of overthinking about what they might want, you should focus on where you stand in this whole situation. We dont sign up for certain catastrophes in life. Naturally, it can make your exes come back when you stop caring. Does your ex normally ghost you for many months and then re-establish contact like its the good old days? If your ex just suffers and impulsively runs back to you, your ex might not reflect long enough to discover your worth. The next weekend, the friend showed up again, and this time he brought my ex. And if you are in a serious relationship, it is always better to loop your partner in on the little developments on the ex-front. Reaching out to an ex after months or years later. It could be your mental peace, could be the relationship with your new partner. What if the ex just wants to hook up and would want to do it with someone familiar rather than a stranger? You live separate lives now and he needs to respect that. If you just went on a date and he responds 3 days after, he might be following an old dating rule to make you more interested in him. After the X Date, the Treasury would be unable to pay about 40% of its bills, BPC said, based on an analysis of daily cash flows. Whats going on? They started dating in 2003 when they were in university. It was just a very strong intuition, and one that was "confirmed" when he'd shown up at that beach thing, even though the rational part of my mind said I couldn't really "know" that, and that it probably wasn't likely. But at the same time, youre curious as to why they are reaching out. For all you know, theyre just asking for their hoodie back. Once you give in to the temptation and reply to their message, you might be left utterly confused about their motivation for texting you. It takes more energyemotional and physicalto make a phone call or video call than it does to send a text or "like" a social media post. Getting back together with an ex years later is possible. He thought were friends and the fact that he cheated on me was very conveniently swept under the rug. It weighs on me even now (a few months after) but ultimately I didnt know what to say or how to respond. But if your ex keeps messaging you afterward and shows a lot of interest in you in one way or another, then your ex probably wants to be friends or is gathering the courage to ask you out again. Shes now married with a kid and said being married is hard, having a family is hard. And for people who arent just trying to cushion the blow while their ex is weeping in front of them, it can be really tough to say no to an ex who reaches out in a friendly way. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. But your ex cant seem to help themselves and wants to try and drag you down to their pathetic level. Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. If your relationship ending with your ex has left you in a therapists room, it is wiser to leave the ex in the past. But ultimately, she wanted me to know that she feels bad for how mean she was to me when we broke up. If youre looking to get them back, your imagination must be running wild. There may be many reasons when an ex contacts you years later or out of the blue. My wife got sick after 2 years and I have been her carer since. This is super interesting as information. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. If you have a close friend or someone who knows your history with your ex, spill the beans about the text and ask for advice. I don't think it's reciprocated on my end & I thought not replying would prevent another attempt to be honest. Its been quite some time since she was a stepmom to your kids, so theres probably no need to message her now. He tried to hint that he was looking for an affair and then I blocked him. Why would an ex contact you years later? People change over time, relationships shift, and priorities and interests shift as well. When you reach out to a former friend from a place of support and no expectations others than to share a moment of connection, it can leave a lasting feeling of positive connection and appreciation for that persons having been there earlier in your life and when you reached back out in this period of uncertainty. Ex Royal Marine, 34, who was forced out of the military after he developed tinnitus and hearing loss when 'useless' earplugs 'fell out' during training exercises wins 700,000 payout They will be able to compare the different aspects of their life with and without your presence in it. QueasyAllday 1 yr. ago ouch TX_Farmer I sent an ex a sincere apology letter. You can do one of two things, listen to what your ex has to say, or ignore them. Its strange to call your ex to find out if they think the same as them, but it happens because you still feel connected to your ex. Press J to jump to the feed. But he wasn't thrilled about it, but we all agreed to never meet in person. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. You might have completely moved on and be having the time of your life then suddenly, heres your ex. It makes them feel so inadequate, they want to see if they can disrupt it. Only exes who dont talk for 5 years or more sometimes start to change their opinion of their ex. Is there any ulterior motive? Any normal ex would respect the life youve built for yourself and keep it moving. I'm glad we spoke, given how messily and immaturely things had ended. It was two years since the end of the relationship this September and I feel like I have wasted two years of my lifetime. The first time was about 6 months later. Observe the way he or she speaks to you and see how long it takes for your ex to lose interest and stop talking. Why Did My Ex Unfriend Me But Not Block Me? ETA: He's the one who dumped me. Its . When exes come back after months, there could be a rosy side to it too. I am still not sure if its a good idea. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. If your ex doesnt want to be your friend, for example, you obviously wont be able to be friends with your ex. In todays article, well discuss why an ex would contact you years after the breakup and how to respond to specific reach outs. If you still have feelings for your ex, that doesnt mean you should talk to your ex and get your hopes up. Most people spend their lives seeking perfection in a partner only to realize that there is no such thing as perfection. When we experience a sense of danger or face threats, most of us immediately are driven to seek out our support network members. Dont let your ex pull the strings on you just for the sake of finding closure. Getting an outside opinion from someone can prevent this thing from venturing into the tricky territory of hot-and-cold and help you maintain the blissful life you have been leading since the breakup. Acknowledge it. The ill-fated lets be friends cliche is still alive and well. A whopping 62 percent of married folks in her study wound up having an affair with their ex even though they didn't reach out to them with any such plan in mind. Its like comfort foodmac-and-cheese may not be haute cuisine and it may not reflect what our normal menu offers, but it brings back images of childhood and safety and security. Wont hurt to text them back if alls forgiven and forgotten. You were important to each other once. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that . He'd tried to reach out to me a couple times after the break-up. "You can't compare the person who you experienced a first or early love with to someone who you've had a deep abiding love with for many years through the course of a . Someone in their life could have randomly brought you up in conversation. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. However, your ex might also be reaching out because they want closure, because they want to be friends, or because they just want to hook up one last time. Weirdly, whether we like it or not, exes do this all the time and its important not to automatically decide that your ex wants you back. Similar to blaming, Paul says anger is a sign that they have not moved on, which tracks with the grief stage of a breakup. And I think it's natural for some people to want to. Now theyve matured, they realize how terrible of a partner they were and how their actions could have caused you to have trust issues. Thanks once again. Society typically tells us that people don't change. When an ex contacts you years later, talk to someone about it, 5. It may not be worth getting dumped and hurt again. Do you like how your life looks without your ex? Maybe they are still holding grudges against you and decided this is the right time to serve the cold dish of revenge. If youre focused and working on your goals, will your ex become a distraction? So if youre figuring out what to do if an ex contacts you after years, the first thing you should do is figure out how well you have healed., Talking about how texts from her ex ended up wreaking havoc in her life, Rebecca, a teacher from Michigan, shares, My ex got married but still contacts me and my current partner couldnt be angrier about it. Youve probably told your partner all about your ex, and why you broke up. We suggested you to not reply too soon when exes come back after no contact. If the apologizing part of the plan goes well, they might even express their willingness to get back together. After no contact doesn't mean that your ex reaches out after 30, 35, 60, or any number of days. But just because it's possible, it doesn't mean that it will happen on your terms. I hope his heart is at peace/ease despite things not going how he may have expected. The expectations are usually running wild when you have not moved on completely. It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future. Theyve heard youre single and so have decided to try their luck and see if youll agree to go for a drink. Before she had the chance to process this heartbreak, this ex-partner resurfaced out of nowhere. Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. But apparently it has haunted him for 12 years enough to find me and ask. About App. And that I kind of think he shouldn't have stayed married if he wanted to pursue polyamory, because of what it did to hi, Thanks for sharing, I understand that what you are tempted to do is verbalise what you have learnt and worked through post breakup and have him acknowledge your feelings. Yes, it is very common for exes to get back together years later. It creates so much confusion because your ex's actions are conflicting. Its almost like youve been waiting for me. The humiliation I felt after that made sure I never texted her back again, Aaron, a construction manager, shares with us. Im not talking about questions about your exs life, but rather about his or her reasons for reaching out. Also, a Caffeine headed individual whose day consists of bouts of contemplation about life and afterlife. Just the prospect of talking to an ex after years is bound to give you a lot of anxiety. As if you both needed a reason to get even more heavily chemically attached to each other. I felt that she was just trying to ease her guilt rather than anything else, and it wasnt my job to do that. So, we have jotted down these 8 points for you to ponder on before you decide to reply to that text. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. Yesterday, he said, My ex and I are talking again. You were friends before getting involved in a relationship, and becoming a couple destroyed your friendship. That way, even if you break up with your partner and get back together with your ex, at least you gave them a heads-up. 4. First off, it's good to pause before responding. Three times in ten years sounds just like he wants some (very minimal) contact with someone who he spent five years of his life with. Youll probably experience a flood of emotions when you get that message, so getting an objective opinion will help you look at things from a different perspective and make the right decision. What do you intend to do now that your ex contacted you? The only reason your ex is trying tore-establish contactis that they need some advice about a serious issue theyre having. Maybe it is best to let it be. So, they are back to mess with your head, bring back all the memories, and stomp your progress in the healing process. We welcome the Reddit community to elicit opinions on a variety of matters from our community of women ages 30 and up. But years later, they realize they could have worked their way through their problems and that breaking up was a mistake. Besides, you have no way of knowing whether your ex will be forthcoming and candid in their response. Anyways, the first time we broke up (friendship) was 2017. Some of our newly rediscovered friendships may very well pick back up and grow in their meaning in your lives, as theyll reflect the shared experience of the pandemic anxiety and fallout that is happening as the friendship is heating back up. As you say, it was likely just an attempt to ease her guilt. I haven't reached out because I think he's married. The good thing about it is that you get to decide whether you want her in your life or not. He contacted me on the exact date we broke up 4 years ago in february. I imagine he just wants to check up. They dont want to hear how youre doing through the grapevine. The first thing most people think when anex contactsthem is that they want something. If you catch yourself spiraling a little, it's OK.. These may be friends, family members, and love interests whom they may have wounded emotionally or with whom they fell out and its totally normal to want to find a way to resolve longstanding issues and gain a sense of peace. The most harmless case might be that your ex-partner is just checking in on you to learn how you are doing in life. When they meet up with their ex years later, they come to the same conclusion and decide to get back together. And continue, saying "You are now happily married, well settled in your life and you would appreciate if he keeps the past as a history. An immediate response is never a good idea. We were both in happy LTR's, so there was no flirting or anything like that, but it felt really good to speak honestly and openly. But if youre reconnecting with an ex after 10 years or so, they might be texting you out of a sense of nostalgia and friendliness. I've talked to him a few times and it just seemed like he needed to remember happy times for a bit. I was unable to provide the support he needed at the time, as I had not healed and wasn't ready to let go of my trauma (my therapist says I didn't want to relinquish the power he had over me - that it was a continuation of the abuse.) Since then he has reached out different ways every 3 years or so (emails, instagram) and I never replied. If they have written, Hey! They are not trying to rekindle the relationship or become friends. If thats the case, theres no harm in having a casual conversation. 12 Things To Remember When You Run Into Your Ex, 7 Unspoken Boundaries For Being Friends With An Ex. Programs. Your ex has been in your life for five minutes now and it is not okay to have a lovey-dovey conversation with an ex when your partner is sitting next to you. Don't get comfortable and slide back into old habits. I took the blame at the end of the year, entirely, when she was seated behind me, I decided to reach out. Its not one-sided either, they both feel the same way. When you first start dating, it's normal for him to only text when you're making plans together. This post originally appeared at Attract The One. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. Sometimes time apart makes your ex realize what they lost when they walked away from your relationship. However, if youre thinking about getting back with your ex, you must decide wisely. Closure takes effort and patience, and sometimes, the wounds wont heal with an explanation. She apologized for everything and expressed a desire to be friends again. He'd called when I wasn't home, and I never returned his phone call. Your heart might start beating faster the moment you get a text from the ex but take a few minutes to think about the consequences if you end up meeting the ex again. Reach out because youd like to reconnect to see where someone is at in their life, to share a memory of past times, or offer a show of support and caring. People are not static, and friendships that cant shift and grow as people do just cant endure. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. Many exes contact their previous partners years later. Another reason why your ex contacts you suddenly after so long might be because they are struggling with their feelings alone. Maybe they want you to come to the hospital and say goodbye, or theyre calling to invite you to the funeral. They Want A Shoulder To Cry On I didnt feel empowered by her reaching out, just felt sad more than anything else. Its okay if your ex doesnt contact you, Linda. You might be able to tell perhaps by their tone that your ex is reaching out because they're bored, lonely, or having a tough time moving. 1. I said I didn't have any expectations of him, but I wanted to take ownership and say "I'm sorry" and took responsibility. Part of the need to re-connect is driven by the ambiguous threat of the pandemic and, practically speaking, part of it is likely due to the greater number of hours of alone time that we may feel the need to fillto get our minds off our own circumstances, in some cases, and focus on something more positive, or at least feel like were doing something to support someone else. It was interesting seeing him again. Yeah - no. Remember, when an ex contacts you, you need to be answerable to yourself first. Like I said, I never reached out to an Ex. You must keep in mind that your ex (the dumper) decides what kind of a relationship is possible. A little bit of backstory, when I was younger I was in the Air Force and stationed at a Air base in another state. Keep up with Elizabeth on Twitter and attracttheone.com. What do you think? Personally I've never reached out to an ex - but my abusive ex of 5 years reached out to me. They might just want to be friends with you, if youre open to the idea. A year later one of his fraternity brothers reached out and let me know how he was doing and "he's really sorry for the pain he inflicted, can't you forgive him?" It will only convey the message that you are still miserably hung up on them. You are about to put a lot at stake here. For the past year, I've been letting go of people from my past & focusing on what I want in an ideal partne. He also has a kid. By reaching out, they determine whether their ex hates them, likes them, loves them, respects them, or feels neutral about them. When your ex reached out, your ex was focusing solely on the present moment and merely wanted your understanding, reassurance, encouragement, and compassion. He or she controls everything up until the point when he or she suggests a certain type of relationship. Before you type out an elaborate text asking for an explanation, pause and think about your life right now. Despite going on several dates after breaking up with their ex-partner, they never met anyone worth having a serious relationship with. You might know this from what you have heard from your mutual friends. And if they dont like what they see, they will start missing you. But the only one I have on social media now is the one that took my virginity. However, video calls are especially meaningful when someone is totally isolated or when grandkids or more than one person is at one end of the phone. Its been several years since you broke up with your ex, and theyve assumed youve got over what happened. I (M32) am having trouble with my ex (F30) as she keeps trying to contact me years after we broke up. We talked briefly. Heartbreak Burnout. What Does It Mean When A Guy Calls You Sweet. You already have a family to take care of. Honestly, I have never found that sentiment to be true. They know they could never have given you the life you have now. Substance use doesn't negate the fact that you put me in the hospital multiple times and caused me significant trauma, PTSD. If they were unwilling or incapable of giving you closure themselves, reconnecting with an ex after 10 years isnt going to do the trick. You have to be careful. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because he's stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. There are several reasons why exs reach out years later, including they are just checking up on you, they want to offer a sincere apology, or they are jealous of your happiness. It took a bunch of direct messages to make it very clear that I dont want to contact him, Ash, a 31-year-old activist, tells us. When reuniting, theyve matured and understand what it takes to make a relationship work. That was all he wanted and said hes glad Im ok, never heard from him since. Its difficult to find someone who accepts you the way you are. My ex and I are talking again, can this lead to something more complicated? I had an ex find me 12 years after we broke up and reached out to me. Maybe theyve spent the past couple of years thinking about how perfect you were together and that they havent had a better relationship since. And think of yourself first. At the time of our relationship, I was still keeping a lot to myself emotionally. Perhaps you thought youd completely moved on, but their message reminds you of all the good times that you didnt even know you had buried away. The grass looks greener, so your ex skates out into the wild world of dating to find someone who ALSO has quirks, hangups and is generally human just like you are. Anger is an emotion that people are often uncomfortable with. Like a lot of reasons on this list, this might be totally unconscious. It seems that her anxiety or whatever she felt disappeared when she started talking to you again. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a2a4ca169ddda5052d135fd7416bc0e6" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. Takeaway My ex messaged me after a year. Lets explore the possible reasons behind an ex trying to make their way back into your life: Exes come back after months. 6. He agreed. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that others have successfully faced similar challenges. Youll set your own pace and see if your ex agrees. Anywho, all of this is to say that I haven't had a good experience with an ex trying to reach out. Last Updated on October 11, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester. When an ex contact you years after the breakup, your ex wants to get something from you. Here are 7 reasons your ex might pop up months (or even years!) Maybe shed met someone else and lost interest because of him. Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. One conversation leads to two, two leads to three, and before you know it, youre arranging to Netflix and chill.. I've been honestly tempted since reevaluating everything about the last ten years of my life. Different people have different norms around contact and friendship over time and after a relationship ends. He mentioned catching up and I respectfully declined, immediately established the limit. By the looks of it, you dont have a lot of respect for her, so you want to keep moving on without her. This helps us in two different ways. She said marriage is hard, so its possible she finally reflected and realized she was very mean to you after the breakup. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. It can be confusing when your ex reaches out after years because you dont know what their motives are. Three words: Manage your expectations. The relationship might not be the most exciting in the world, but after several fiery encounters with people who dont accept them for who they are, they realize theyd rather be with someone they can be themselves around. A year and a half is a long time to not speak to an ex. When a toxic and/or abusive ex-partner reaches out or asks to stay friends, they're most likely looking to ensnare you back into the unhealthy dynamic that made the relationship lethal in the first place. I stopped going to the club in case they came again. Outside the bedroom, you werent compatible at all. I just this week had an ex reach out after 20 years. Dont reach out with specific expectations about an old friends responsereach out because you would like to hear their voice again and check in, and nothing more. TBO we didnt really even say good-bye was no real closure. Unless your ex-partner was an abuser, listen to what theyve got to say before deciding how to handle the situation. Definitely not. Your obligation toward your ex has ended, and it is alright to think of yourself first. If the relationship was abusive, its not advised for your physical and mental safety to get back with your ex. So, before you slam a sarcastic emoji in their face, grab a tea or a book. The tests may show that the baby is active and healthy, and the amount of amniotic fluid is . My Ex Is Drinking/Partying After A Breakup, whether you think your ex can make a good friend, how much emotional progress youve made since the breakup, and how much respect you have for your ex, how your familys doing (not to be mistaken for an indirect approach to break the ice), how you perceive your ex and feel about him or her, Your ex could also be very direct and say . Basically, he sent me a very long email (that's his way of communication.) Go away. We'd dated in high school, and our break-up was sudden and immature. The fact that you moved on and found happiness all over again on your own, draws them back to square one. When an ex contacts you, you need to weigh the pros and cons practically. Wish him good luck. You are not the first one to deal with this adverse state of affairs. It was like a weight lifted. Make sure you remain honest if you decide to speak. In fact,researchsuggests that 40-50% of peoplere-establish contactwith exes and start a relationship again. . Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. I doubt that that's why he would reach out, he's the one who got apologies from me shortly after the breakup (which he did get shortly after, but probably not in the most though through way) thanks for sharing. In my opinion, love is love whether its platonic or intimate, in the end the outcome effect can be the same. My ex reached out to me about 15 years after we broke up. He had no intention of getting back with you romantically. I had never mentioned it to him as since I had miscarried it didnt seem like there was anything to discuss. Thanks for replying, I figured it probably was. When your ex finally does that, youll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. Perhaps you could lend me an ear?. Perhaps it was a two-week fling, a mutual breakup, or an old partner who ghosted you once and has resurfaced for closure.